Sooo, I completed the first DVD of the program last night (yay me). And let me clarify completed - it just means I let the DVD play all the way through. By NO means am I communicating that *I* COMPLETED the entire workout... but my goal is by the end of the program that I will be able to keep up. So I do feel accomplished that I participated completely. I firmly believe that my physical health will strengthen my mental health and endurance to pursue my desire for a Godly life.
I struggled getting to bed last night. I thought I would hear from my husband yesterday, or the day before, for that matter - but I didn't. He had told me on Sunday that he needed a couple of days to decide whether he wanted to work on our marriage. I wanted to send an email that said I guessed he had made up his mind, but I am not with him right now, so I don't know what is going on. And it is my controlling nature wanting to force his hand. I am having a lot of trouble trusting him. He has hurt me so badly, so deeply. How can I still love this man that hasn't given me anything? So God answers me now - "how can I love you, my child, when you give me nothing as well?" So the answer is that I can love my husband with the love Jesus gave me. And the only way I can do that is to praise Him for what He has given me, lift up my husband and my marriage (my whole family) to Him in prayer and TRUST GOD to take care of the rest - listening and following His direction. I must show love to receive it, and only God can provide me the true and fullness of love that mine or any others' heart needs.
Being a controlling person is in my nature. Instead of denying what and who I am, I am believing now that I need to direct that need to control into a positive and productive manner. So - I can't, nor should I try to control others, especially my husband. What I can control are the things I do, my behavior, my frame-of-mind, my *decision* to love. And this goes back to my strong belief from many years ago that Godly love is not an emotion, it is a decision. I have believed this for more than 20 years, but I have not practiced it in a long, long time. I have been waiting for someone to make me feel. Feelings are deceptive and not to be trusted. So in my quest to better myself how can I put my *control* into use?
What can I control? I can control not reacting when my husband does something that hurts me. It only exacerbates the situation. Actually - that is a weakness and God will have to help me with that. What can I control? Maybe I can come up with a strategy for reactions and how to deal with them. My husband has some set patterns for his reactions.
Also, I need to understand his "love language"... I have been reading the book "The 5 Love Languages". Last night I think I discovered Trey's. He has repeatedly been offended when I am not the one to clean the house. I now believe that "Acts of Service" is his language. I feel extremely motivated to keep the house in the condition Trey wants. I realize now it isn't him being lazy - it is he needs that from me to feel loved. I am excited to try this out. I know I will stumble, but I genuinely pray that God guides and strengthens me to stay or return to the path He is leading me down and that He grants me strength and wisdom to remember that I do this out of love and sacrifice for Christ, delivered to my husband.
Trust: I am really struggling to trust him right now. Trust him with my heart, trust him with my emotions, trust him not to cheat, trust him not to use painful words to attack me. God is telling me again - I can't control my husband's actions. Do I know his tendencies to hurt me? Yes... That is a huge revelation and something that I (with Him) can work with.
I am realizing that now it is all about letting go and letting God handle it. Never quite realized what that meant or how to do it - and maybe I'm still not sure, but I have a better idea now. And the key is to stay in God's Word. All that we learn from Him is easily forgotten unless we stay focused and fed through the bible. That is my weakness - being distracted.
So short list:
1 - knowing and understanding what Trey's love language is and how to speak it
a - list of actions I believe that will show him I love him in his language
b - practicing those actions regularly to become expert and comfortable with them
2 - listing out the actions or behaviors that I do that cause him distress
3 - reading the Word and a supplement every night, without fail
Prayer - thank you Jesus for the precious and perfect love you give me. Forgive me for taking that love for granted and being selfish with it. You have given us all a calling to take the light you have provided us and share it with the world and I have failed to do that. Lead me to be more of a giver as I used to be, giving without hesitation and without expecting anything in return. I praise you for the unending patience and love you have for me and that you have waited for me to return to your ways. Give me peace and joy seeking the hope that only you can provide. I pray for patience to get me through the troubled times knowing that you are creating a good work in me. Please continually reassure me of your presence and that I can do all things through you. I love you, Lord. In Jesus name, Amen!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
The road to the remodel and renovation... Extreme Makeover: Soul Edition
I've always wanted to be beautiful. I can only remember feeling beautiful less than a handful of times in my entire life. I didn't feel beautiful on my wedding day - either of them, I didn't feel beautiful at prom. I felt beautiful after losing some weight in my thirties, until a guy that hit on me and said he liked "thick" women - thanks for calling me *fat*....
I know outward appearance isn't what should be important for any person - whether judging oneself or evaluating others, but the fact remains that we have it ingrained in us from birth, especially women. While it may not be right, most of us will forever struggle with the inner turmoil of balancing external aesthetics and internal beauty.
I have always loved the thought of working out; I even wrote a research paper when I was a freshman in high school about weight lifting. I was active in sports as a adolescent, but circumstances and situations and plain lack of motivation have hindered me from actually following through on being active and healthy as an adult.
In my thirties I attempted to take control of my life and health and started down this path - lost a lot of weight and was a work-out junkie but became derailed when I relocated with a job.
Two years ago, I began again. I've lost a great deal of weight - maxing at 82 lost. But for the last year I have plateaued and fluctuated with between that and +15. The plateau discouraged me so much that I stopped working out and stopped eating well and just gave up. Strife at home made the situation worse, and I began a self-destructive attitude for everything, whether it was eating, working out, relationships - taking care of myself in general. My mental focus changed. I became self-absorbed, and very depressed... Everyone else was at fault for everything going on and as a result my relationship with my darling children and my wonderful husband deteriorated. I slipped into even more destruction and finally my marriage crumbled and he left. Don't get me wrong - it isn't solely my fault or responsibility, but there are many mistakes I've made. I now realize that I've been seeking the wrong things in my life, thinking that I can *fix* everyone and everything myself and that is far from the truth. Only God can take care of my life and any other solution isn't a solution.
After my husband left I began to significantly struggle to make it through the day - a simple day took all my focus and exhausted me. If small changes diverted me from my planned schedule, I would become an emotional wreck. I had suicidal, seriously suicidal, tendencies. I would partially plan out an act. Fortunately, God's perfect grace kept me from doing anything so stupid. It isn't that I wanted to really leave my family, but just escape the pain. It is a pain I have never before experienced. My friends, though very encouraging, were telling me to pull myself up by my bootstraps and I just couldn't. I am a very strong woman and I couldn't do it. I felt like I was drowning - suspended in water, desparately needing to surface for a breath but I couldn't find my way up. I was motionless, helpless and dying.
Over the last week or so I've been forcing myself to do productive things: getting out with friends, projects around the house - small ones, and immersing myself in God's healing presence. Just a small drink of His living waters began a healing, miraculous healing that is still moving within me. (PRAISE GOD)
The last two days have been the most mentally and spiritually productive for me in a long time. So begins my new journey. I am pouring myself into God's Word, supplemental spiritual material and beginning a three-month workout program. I decided that I want my marriage to work and that God can heal me and He can heal my marriage and He can heal my relationship with my husband and my children: me with each of them, and them to each other. I can't do it but I can pray for them and create an environment where they can grow. So, though I want my marriage back, *I* will not do anything to save it. My make-over is to fix ME... I can feel God's beauty growing inside me. I am feeding my soul with the nutrients it needs to bloom; and I am going to cultivate my temple so that the physical foundation is strong and can sustain and endure the stresses that relationships and world put on me - all according to God's will. So when I say transforming beautiful - that is exactly what I'm doing. I am transforming my definition of beauty and seeking the beauty God has inside me and feeding it so that it can burst outward like a blooming flower, whose fragrant scent and colorful petals we all find so alluring...
You see - all my previous attempts at my outward appearance have been selfish and superficial. I now want to be beautiful as a Godly woman, and I want to be beautiful to my husband; and I want to be an example of health to my children. God says our body is a temple, and though I believe much of that meaning is in reference to an external structure where inside God resides and fellowships with us, we should be careful and dilligent in building a strong physical structure to protect the internal sanctuary of God. If not maintained, the walls will deteriorate and crumble, eventually destroying the entire temple.
Here begins my new journey - to a greater walk with God and a stronger temple for his presence.
I know outward appearance isn't what should be important for any person - whether judging oneself or evaluating others, but the fact remains that we have it ingrained in us from birth, especially women. While it may not be right, most of us will forever struggle with the inner turmoil of balancing external aesthetics and internal beauty.
I have always loved the thought of working out; I even wrote a research paper when I was a freshman in high school about weight lifting. I was active in sports as a adolescent, but circumstances and situations and plain lack of motivation have hindered me from actually following through on being active and healthy as an adult.
In my thirties I attempted to take control of my life and health and started down this path - lost a lot of weight and was a work-out junkie but became derailed when I relocated with a job.
Two years ago, I began again. I've lost a great deal of weight - maxing at 82 lost. But for the last year I have plateaued and fluctuated with between that and +15. The plateau discouraged me so much that I stopped working out and stopped eating well and just gave up. Strife at home made the situation worse, and I began a self-destructive attitude for everything, whether it was eating, working out, relationships - taking care of myself in general. My mental focus changed. I became self-absorbed, and very depressed... Everyone else was at fault for everything going on and as a result my relationship with my darling children and my wonderful husband deteriorated. I slipped into even more destruction and finally my marriage crumbled and he left. Don't get me wrong - it isn't solely my fault or responsibility, but there are many mistakes I've made. I now realize that I've been seeking the wrong things in my life, thinking that I can *fix* everyone and everything myself and that is far from the truth. Only God can take care of my life and any other solution isn't a solution.
After my husband left I began to significantly struggle to make it through the day - a simple day took all my focus and exhausted me. If small changes diverted me from my planned schedule, I would become an emotional wreck. I had suicidal, seriously suicidal, tendencies. I would partially plan out an act. Fortunately, God's perfect grace kept me from doing anything so stupid. It isn't that I wanted to really leave my family, but just escape the pain. It is a pain I have never before experienced. My friends, though very encouraging, were telling me to pull myself up by my bootstraps and I just couldn't. I am a very strong woman and I couldn't do it. I felt like I was drowning - suspended in water, desparately needing to surface for a breath but I couldn't find my way up. I was motionless, helpless and dying.
Over the last week or so I've been forcing myself to do productive things: getting out with friends, projects around the house - small ones, and immersing myself in God's healing presence. Just a small drink of His living waters began a healing, miraculous healing that is still moving within me. (PRAISE GOD)
The last two days have been the most mentally and spiritually productive for me in a long time. So begins my new journey. I am pouring myself into God's Word, supplemental spiritual material and beginning a three-month workout program. I decided that I want my marriage to work and that God can heal me and He can heal my marriage and He can heal my relationship with my husband and my children: me with each of them, and them to each other. I can't do it but I can pray for them and create an environment where they can grow. So, though I want my marriage back, *I* will not do anything to save it. My make-over is to fix ME... I can feel God's beauty growing inside me. I am feeding my soul with the nutrients it needs to bloom; and I am going to cultivate my temple so that the physical foundation is strong and can sustain and endure the stresses that relationships and world put on me - all according to God's will. So when I say transforming beautiful - that is exactly what I'm doing. I am transforming my definition of beauty and seeking the beauty God has inside me and feeding it so that it can burst outward like a blooming flower, whose fragrant scent and colorful petals we all find so alluring...
You see - all my previous attempts at my outward appearance have been selfish and superficial. I now want to be beautiful as a Godly woman, and I want to be beautiful to my husband; and I want to be an example of health to my children. God says our body is a temple, and though I believe much of that meaning is in reference to an external structure where inside God resides and fellowships with us, we should be careful and dilligent in building a strong physical structure to protect the internal sanctuary of God. If not maintained, the walls will deteriorate and crumble, eventually destroying the entire temple.
Here begins my new journey - to a greater walk with God and a stronger temple for his presence.
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