Sooo, I completed the first DVD of the program last night (yay me). And let me clarify completed - it just means I let the DVD play all the way through. By NO means am I communicating that *I* COMPLETED the entire workout... but my goal is by the end of the program that I will be able to keep up. So I do feel accomplished that I participated completely. I firmly believe that my physical health will strengthen my mental health and endurance to pursue my desire for a Godly life.
I struggled getting to bed last night. I thought I would hear from my husband yesterday, or the day before, for that matter - but I didn't. He had told me on Sunday that he needed a couple of days to decide whether he wanted to work on our marriage. I wanted to send an email that said I guessed he had made up his mind, but I am not with him right now, so I don't know what is going on. And it is my controlling nature wanting to force his hand. I am having a lot of trouble trusting him. He has hurt me so badly, so deeply. How can I still love this man that hasn't given me anything? So God answers me now - "how can I love you, my child, when you give me nothing as well?" So the answer is that I can love my husband with the love Jesus gave me. And the only way I can do that is to praise Him for what He has given me, lift up my husband and my marriage (my whole family) to Him in prayer and TRUST GOD to take care of the rest - listening and following His direction. I must show love to receive it, and only God can provide me the true and fullness of love that mine or any others' heart needs.
Being a controlling person is in my nature. Instead of denying what and who I am, I am believing now that I need to direct that need to control into a positive and productive manner. So - I can't, nor should I try to control others, especially my husband. What I can control are the things I do, my behavior, my frame-of-mind, my *decision* to love. And this goes back to my strong belief from many years ago that Godly love is not an emotion, it is a decision. I have believed this for more than 20 years, but I have not practiced it in a long, long time. I have been waiting for someone to make me feel. Feelings are deceptive and not to be trusted. So in my quest to better myself how can I put my *control* into use?
What can I control? I can control not reacting when my husband does something that hurts me. It only exacerbates the situation. Actually - that is a weakness and God will have to help me with that. What can I control? Maybe I can come up with a strategy for reactions and how to deal with them. My husband has some set patterns for his reactions.
Also, I need to understand his "love language"... I have been reading the book "The 5 Love Languages". Last night I think I discovered Trey's. He has repeatedly been offended when I am not the one to clean the house. I now believe that "Acts of Service" is his language. I feel extremely motivated to keep the house in the condition Trey wants. I realize now it isn't him being lazy - it is he needs that from me to feel loved. I am excited to try this out. I know I will stumble, but I genuinely pray that God guides and strengthens me to stay or return to the path He is leading me down and that He grants me strength and wisdom to remember that I do this out of love and sacrifice for Christ, delivered to my husband.
Trust: I am really struggling to trust him right now. Trust him with my heart, trust him with my emotions, trust him not to cheat, trust him not to use painful words to attack me. God is telling me again - I can't control my husband's actions. Do I know his tendencies to hurt me? Yes... That is a huge revelation and something that I (with Him) can work with.
I am realizing that now it is all about letting go and letting God handle it. Never quite realized what that meant or how to do it - and maybe I'm still not sure, but I have a better idea now. And the key is to stay in God's Word. All that we learn from Him is easily forgotten unless we stay focused and fed through the bible. That is my weakness - being distracted.
So short list:
1 - knowing and understanding what Trey's love language is and how to speak it
a - list of actions I believe that will show him I love him in his language
b - practicing those actions regularly to become expert and comfortable with them
2 - listing out the actions or behaviors that I do that cause him distress
3 - reading the Word and a supplement every night, without fail
Prayer - thank you Jesus for the precious and perfect love you give me. Forgive me for taking that love for granted and being selfish with it. You have given us all a calling to take the light you have provided us and share it with the world and I have failed to do that. Lead me to be more of a giver as I used to be, giving without hesitation and without expecting anything in return. I praise you for the unending patience and love you have for me and that you have waited for me to return to your ways. Give me peace and joy seeking the hope that only you can provide. I pray for patience to get me through the troubled times knowing that you are creating a good work in me. Please continually reassure me of your presence and that I can do all things through you. I love you, Lord. In Jesus name, Amen!
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